Online Dating and First Contact: Managing Email and Phone

When we post an online dating profile, we do so to excite interest and move the reader of it to contact us. By email, by instant message. In effect, they are self-promotional “marketing” pieces…some shamelessly so. No one likely to be reading this post will be surprised by that observation. There! We’ve just blown the lid of the obvious, someone is sure to be muttering as they read this. But bear with me…I have some dots to connect.

Let’s start by clearing up a misnomer. We don’t date online, as my readers know I’m fond of saying. We MEET online and take it offline as soon as possible, consistent with safety. For most of us, that means email(s) and phone contact, followed by a meeting, if you “click.” This is all stuff anyone involved in online dating should know how to do and do very well. These are predictable, necessary steps on the way to meeting. So it never ceases to amaze me at how many women seem to leave so much of this phase to chance.

What’s in the first email and the first phone call often determine if there will be a second. So if you want to stack the deck in your favor, read on. I’m going to give you one man’s opinion on how to get an edge over your competition. Bear in mind, I’m not talking about every man. I’m talking about men who are interested in something that lasts. In fact, if you do this right, you will limit the number of men only interested in casual relationships…read that relationships of convenience. What follows isn’t bullet proof, but it will definitely help you “up” your game.

Let’s start with your first email to him. Whether you’re responding to him or initiating contact based on his profile, you’re signaling interest and trying to interest him. Two different situations, here.

1. If you’re responding to an email from him, I would take your hint from the tone of his email. Respond to both the email and whatever stands out in his profile essay.

2. If you’re initiating contact, you’re (hopefully) doing so based on something in the profile that caught your eye because it is largely in line with your objectives. A flirtatious/teasing email is your best bet, unless “his” profile has a serious tone.

3. A great first email not only signals and gains interest, it makes the sender stand out for the right reasons. It show that you invested enough time to convey thoughtfulness or cleverness along with it. That investment of time is flattering, even if the email itself does not explicitly flatter. And yes, ladies, they are flattered and it does matter…for all the same reasons it matters to you.

If all goes well via email, the phone is next.

1. If you’re ready to move to that step, don’t wait for him to ask. Put it out there, invite him to call and give him your cellular phone. I have had women do that toward the end of my online meeting experiences and I never declined and never regretted making the call, even if it didn’t work out. Not every woman is comfortable doing this, so if you do it, you immediately stand out…favorably in most men’s minds. That’s a great start, but more and more women are becoming comfortable taking the initiative, so to really stand out, you need to do even more.

2. So here’s where you can really break out of the pack. When you give him your number, give him a best time(s) to call and make it a time when you’re usually available, relaxed and content. You’re trying to avoid him getting voicemail. Knowing when he is most likely to call also helps you in being ready for it when it comes. Have his profile available and a few questions you really want to ask him. They should help you improve on what you know of him, without putting him on the defensive.

3. Pick some things his profile suggests he’s likely to be comfortable with. Be prepared to answer the complementary question, should he ask. Doing this will not only help the conversation flow and put both of you at ease. Don’t feel like you must ask those questions, if the conversation is flowing. Just go with it. The profile and your questions are to give your conversation structure if it doesn’t occur organically. Often just getting both of you started will be all it takes.

What this preparation does is set both of you up for success. It doesn’t guarantee a connection and you shouldn’t draw any immediate conclusions from success if you both have it. What you have done is helped both of you get past that initial awkwardness we all feel the first time we connect with someone new. It may go nowhere, but even if it doesn’t, it won’t feel as awkward the next time and you’ll be that much better when the law of averages catches up with you and everything “clicks.” Whether it results in something enduring or not, you’re improving on your ability to orchestrate smoothness in your initial communications…among the most important skills we can have in online meeting.

Dating and Courting Tips

Some people consider dating one of those necessary “evils” that they need to go through even though it can sometimes lead to not-too-successful experiences. However, there are those who look at dating as an opportunity to get to know other people and see if they have that chemistry that is often needed in order to pursue something more. The “something more” can have a variety of definitions, depending on who is being asked, but what follows are a few dating tips that will hopefully make dating as painless as possible and lead to more dates or maybe bring daters one step closer to their happily-ever-afters.

1. Everyone wants to make the kind of positive first impression that is meant to last. Unfortunately, men and women end up trying much harder than they should have to and could give up the exact opposite impression. Relax and be as easy going as possible in order to enjoy the other person’s company.

2. Dating is a getting-to-know-you process and a person talking about themselves should be expected. However, truly successful communication entails knowing when to talk and when to listen. If the other person seems to be shy, one should not hesitate to ask questions to prompt them to share more interesting details about themselves.

3. It has been said that “Variety is the spice of life” and this is true even in the realm of dating. Whether it is the very first date or the nth date, coming up with dates that are creative can help light, re-ignite, or fuel that spark to capture and keep someone’s attention.

4. Daters often have their own expectations when it comes to both the person they will be going out with and what the date will be like. There is nothing wrong with having expectations but overly high ones may lead to being set up for disappointment. Have fun and try to make the most of the time together.

There are a lot more dating tips that so-called dating experts and family and friends can give but whether someone is completely new to dating game or is trying their luck once again after a failed relationship, the most important thing to remember is to be authentic. Being authentic does not mean to merely be honest with the other person but to be honest with oneself. Knowing what both parties want, need, and expect in a relationship helps to better prepare them to either meet those wants, needs, and expectations or to decide to pursue their interests with other people.

Dating And Attraction- How A Positive Attitude Attracts Who You Want

Have you ever wondered why you can’t attract and date the people you want? Mike had trouble finding and attracting the girl he wanted. According to Mike, women wouldn’t go out with him. He couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He had a job, a car, and nice clothes. He had buddies, golf games on the weekend, and most of what he thought he needed to be cool. But at the end of the day, as he sat watching TV alone, it came down to this: How come no one liked Mike?

When it came to dating, Mike repeated a habit of having a bad experience, and then compounded the problem by drawing the wrong conclusion for future behavior. Example: “I met a girl through the Internet. We seemed to hit it off. I took her to dinner and then she wouldn’t return my calls. That’s the last time I’m paying for anyone’s dinner!”

Unattractive people often don’t have a clue about their impact on others. They trample over feelings and think everyone is taking unfair advantage of them. Mike was in this category, blaming everything and everyone for women not being attracted to him.

Why is Mike having a problem? Here are some of the main reasons people are not attractive:

· Excessive self-promotion

Attraction and dating will not happen if you brag. We’re not talking about being enthusiastic about your work and your life and sharing that excitement with others who want to listen. We’re describing someone who brags about how much they own or how they are better than everyone else. They are smug and aloof about their accomplishments and possessions. This attitude is guaranteed to turn people off.

· Extreme apologizing

Not attracting and dating people can also happen when someone constantly apologizes for everything. This behavior is a form of self-sabotage. “I’m sorry I don’t look good tonight.” “Please forgive my old jacket–I need to buy a new one.” “I have a bad hair day every day!” An absurd number of these apologetic remarks reflects a person who is seeking a bottomless pit of affirmation. It is impossible to give someone else that much reassurance. No one is attracted to one who has a lack of self-care and self-love.

· Conflicting messages

Attraction and dating can’t happen when you are sending strong conflicting messages. If you do this you will drive people nuts with your “come here-go away” words and gestures. Example: “I love you more every day, AND, I saw my old girlfriend today. We talked a long time and I think I still have feelings for her.” A relationship with anyone who does this will make a heart feel like a ping-pong ball.

· Abuse

Abusers can be attractive until their real self is revealed. Some are overt, and reveal themselves right away with angry temper tantrums. But more are covert, masking future abuse with big displays of gifts, affection, and subtle control. If someone has a history of physical or psychological abuse, is obsessive about your former relationships, and is attentive and needy to the point of not wanting you to spend time with family or friends, that person is sending you signals of problems to expect in the future.

Even though no one could tell it, Mike was actually a good guy. When he asked for honest feedback from friends, he discovered what he did to offend people. He was stunned to learn how he hurt the feelings of others. With this input, he was able to adjust his behavior, which changed how people responded to him.

Everyone is starting to like Mike now. Mike is becoming more attractive. Mike is finally dating.